As I look back at the past year of my life I realize I have been radio silent.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want people to know about my life.  I’m no longer living the life I dreamed of.  I don’t really want to share anymore.  Tonight, I feel like I need to share.  Here is my story.

Since the age of ten I have been headed down a path.  Whenever someone would ask me where will you be in five years, ten years, or fifteen years, I always had an answer.  I was right every time.  Sure life through me a couple of detours, still I made it where I was headed.  I graduated from college, went to seminary, and worked in a church.  I was introduced to Russia, short term trips overseas, and orphans, lots and lots of orphans.  I became licensed with the Christian and Missionary Alliance, then accredited, and finally appointed.  It all lead up to my life in Russia.

Life in Russia was full of hardships and blessings.  I learned a beautiful and rich language through tears, laughter, and a lot of mistakes.  I made friends for life.  I became an aunt to dozens of children whom I sorely miss.  I was accepted into a very special family of expats and Russians.  I was blessed to be a part of what God was doing in Russia.  God used me to start ministries, lead people to Him, change lives, and so much more!  I must stop.  Even writing about it hurts too much.

So why did I leave?  The direction that God had given me since I was ten had disappeared.  God didn’t tell me to stay or leave.  He simply said I will bless you wherever you go.  So I made the choice to come home.  Honestly, I didn’t feel worthy of staying.

I came home with my own plan.  So far that has failed miserably.  I wanted to adopt so I became a foster parent only to realize how selfish I am and that I just can’t do it alone.  I wanted to work with people in need.  I started working for adults with disabilities.  When I realized they didn’t want my help, but a punching bag, I left.

You can call me a quitter, confused, and lost.  I feel like all of those things at different times.  There is one thing that I know.  I am still a daughter of the King.  I am still loved.  He has a plan for my life even though I don’t know it.  

Ten months ago was the last time I heard God’s voice.  “Give me a year,” was all He said.  So I am giving it to Him.  I’m not involved in ministry.  I don’t really have friends.  My life looks fairly bleak.  Surprisingly it feels great!  For the first time ever I can focus on the little things.  I can read my Bible because I want to, not because I’m writing a lesson plan or Bible study.  I can pray because I just want to spend time with God not because I’m overwhelmed with life.  I have time to go on bike rides, cook healthy meals, play my clarinet, take art classes, read books, and help my family.  I have time to be me.  While I’m looking forward to this year ending and moving forward.  I know that God has blessed me with this year for a reason.  He is teaching me things that will need for whatever comes next.

If you find yourself in a season of questions, loneliness, and confusion please know that you are not alone.  God is with you.  Let Him simply be present in your life.  Trust me, it will be good!  Fog isn’t always a bad thing.

Stay tuned for my next radio broadcast.